Why did God give me nipples?

I am a student of the Bible, although not versed in it that much, yet.
But at least I’m trying to understand it better, because of the claims of Christians that this book is a ”WORD of God: and “it is HIS book”. So, I want to take their belief in that God is omniscient, meaning he possesses perfect knowledge and that he has infinite wisdom , he truly knows best, therefore he makes NO MISTAKES.
If that’s the case, logic dictates that every word, every sentence, every paragraph and every single idea presented in the Bible must be beyond reproach, perfect, without any contradictions and not subject to ANY interpretation, period!
It’s the word of God, after all! I shall follow this assumption to understand this verse:

Genesis 1:27 New King James Version
So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them

Oh, what a lovely couple, aren’t they!

God created man in his own image, it’s a very simple and direct statement and really, no interpretation required here! The sentence is very clear. Hence, I can only conclude that God looks exactly like a human and he made man in his own image.

Some may bring an argument that one of the attributes of God is “Incorporeality” or spirituality, meaning that he is a spirit (This is derived from Jesus’ statement in John 4:24, “God is spirit.”) so he doesn’t have a body per se, and he cannot possibly look like a human.

But this argument is invalid in light of this obvious statement: “God created man in HIS own image”!! The sentence doesn’t say that God had some kind of  “creative” moment, made some shit up and said: ”Yeah, I shall maketh a creature, it will be awesome, and just for kicks I shall giveth him nipples…the poor schmuck will wonderth about it for the next six thousand years, hahahaha!

No, it is very straightforward and direct: So God created man in His own image
Now, what on earth would be His reason to give me nipples? From what I know today, it does not server any particular purpose on a male member of my species.
Oh well, an argument may arise that some men enjoy touching their nipples or have somebody else do it, or pinch them with clothes pins. Yeah, I get it, all right…I get it! Whatever pleases you, even though it’s not my cup of nipples… I mean tea.

Was this his plan then?

Even if it was it’s still weird, I mean nipples on a man!

And you know what’s even more mind boggling? If I have nipples and God made me in HIS own image… there is only one, inescapable conclusion, HE has nipples too!!! What the heck does HE need nipples for????????????

I don’t suppose it’s the clothes pins thing…. At least I hope not, that would be really disturbing.

And here is even more unsettling thought that occurred to me. So God created man in HIS own image and also gave him … well, there is no other way to put it…. a “junk”, paraphrasing Edward Snowden describing “dick picks” that you might send to your partner, ending up on NSA servers.
And I get it, the function and purpose of the penis, even understand it very well from the evolutionary point of view!
But the most bizarre part in this bronze age story comes from the realization that if man has a penis and GOD created MAN in HIS OWN image then… I’m sure you follow the logic and an inescapable question just popped up in your mind…

God must have one too! What the hell does GOD need a penis for ??

And the floodgate of questions bursts open:
Why does God need a penis? Has he ever used it before, and if so, with whom? He just created Eve, so no luck with an earthly chick yet, maybe later?

Conceivably, since the universe is only around 6000 years old according to the Bible and He is all Omnipotent and Omniscient, he knows already that in 4000 years He is going to impregnate a Jewish teenager? Clever plan!

But it still doesn’t hold water after further consideration because we know that it wasn’t HIM. It was his goon, Angel Gabriel who knocked up Mary! Apparently Gabriel was his chief of security who kicked Adam and Eve’s sorry naked asses out of paradise!
Or maybe there was another reason?

So confusing….

Has he banged some celestial goddesses perhaps, like Zeus who was notorious for that and he didn’t tell us about it in the Bible?
Are his balls bigger than man’s? If that’s the case, it would be completely unfair, it would be cheating on His part, plain and simple.
Is his “junk” bigger than man’s? Maybe so but the same argument applies as above.
Alas, in this case I have to be fair. According to science and statistics, human male has the largest penis among all primates! So, I guess, we  can thank Him  for at least that?
In your face gorilla!!! You can thump and pound your chest all you want!… man’s is bigger!!! ( On the flip side, guys, chimpanzees have balls three times the size of yours… now, go figure his divine plan).

So, at the end, reading the Bible left me with more questions than answers. Despite the fact that every priest, preacher, minister, bishop, pope or Jehovah’s witness have been telling us for ages that we can find ALL the answers in God and his Book.

Well, I did not!

I will keep reading though but for now I’m inclined to believe the words of this guy more:

And Yolo to you too bro!!!

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